Dear in the Headlights

11:12

I honestly don't want to sleep tonight. Sleep will transport me to tomorrow, and I don't want that to happen.

So things have been pretty rough lately, what with me having to face growing up and all-- college, homework, social impediments, mental hindrances, climate change. I don't know. Things have just been riding on me lately, or so I feel them to be, and I haven't been handling them all too well.

First, my sister's taking a leave from college. Well, that's not the problem, but the problem here is that my parents are pretty darn diddley upset about that, for pretty understandable reasons. But she did leave for pretty damn understandable reasons that dwarf, in my perspective, my parents' reasons (Bias? Probably.).

Second, I'm going to college on August. My parents want me to go to the college my older sister used to attend so that when/if she goes back, I can be there to help her out. (She stopped because she was depressed).

Third, well that didn't happen. I didn't pass the college's entrance test. I may however still sort of make it, supposing the university reconsiders.

Fourth, with the above three riding on me, my emotions, and my ability to handle them have been teetering on the edge. I am currently looking to a possible case of cyclothymia, what with my ego and depression and the swings to and fro.

Fifth and finally, my self-diagnosed cyclothymia and my envy has taken me into the world of isolation, what with my ego splashing around and getting everyone's beautiful clothes soiled. Yes, I am jealous of my friends for some unexplained reason that keeps changing for which I don't know why. And yes, I did get my ego up one time and sort of indirectly bashed them by posting journal snippets on my personal twitter account.

So shit.

I don't know anything anymore.

On the bright side, I passed the college I sort of really want to go to. But I'd probably have to find a scholarship or get a job for this so I can help my family pay off tuition because this university is hella expensive, and not quite the one my parents want. I respect that they don't entirely like it.

But I mean, things aren't winging in any direction wherein there is a foreseeable solution to anything.

It's fucking scary.

The results for the university my parents want me to go to came out just today, without any announcement. I was reviewing for one of my tests tomorrow, so hearing from my parents that the results came out and that I didn't pass, took me by surprise. I mean, I wasn't exactly entirely expecting to get in anyway, but I wasn't expecting it to be that soon and that suddenly.

I went into a shock almost instantly. I was dizzy. My mind was racing. And all I thought of was to appeal for me to get in. I lost my passion for the other school in a heartbeat. Because I knew that I disappointed my parents. I knew that I wouldn't be able to be there for my sister. I knew that nothing was going to wing in the way I subconsciously, despite all odds, thought it would.

I planned out the entire thing in my head. I fantasized it; romanticized it.

I mean, I would be living in a completely different city, studying something I did generally agree with. I wouldn't have my friends follow me after the mess I'm in with them. I wouldn't have to care about much else aside from my studying, my sister, and myself. I could've begun an entirely different life. I mean, man, the possibilities.

But it just didn't happen.

One thing went wrong, and everything else in the pciture just up and left.

I'm sort of disappointed in myself. I'm not sad that I wasn't able to make it to that school. I'm not sad that is shows that I was, for what it's worth, smart or anything. I'm sad that those possibly perfect opportunities for solution are gone. I'm sad because my parents are. I'm darn diddley scared now.

Darn-to-the Diddley scared.

I just don't know what's going to happen anymore.

When I go to school tomorrow, upset, people will think that I have no right to be upset, because I already made it to the second best university. But I can't explain to them this shit, because it's classified family information. Neither can I tell any of them this thing without either crying or being a mess just trying to explain it; as I did right now.

I don't want to sleep.

Because I don't want tomorrow to come. I don't want tomorrow and my problems to come.

11:38

I hate people.

I don't exactly hate people and I definitely do not generalize them. The only reason why I say I hate people is because it's so much easier to say it. It's easier to say  hate people than to say I fear rejection and be told everyone does. It's just easier to hate people than to explain that I fear reaction and responsibilities I am given by lots of people. It's easier to say I hate people than to say that I'm currently abstaining from social interaction and have to explain why. And it's just easier to end the conversation and be judged as a loner than to stand up for something people won't understand. And it's just easier to go on without people telling you to open up because it's hard to be alone.

I just hate the explaining because I'm going to have to keep doing it over and over and being proven wrong and wrong again rather than to be pat on the back and understood.

I hate people.