Medium

I know for a fact that people have lately been losing interest in actually listening to me. It's sort of taken a toll on me and I've ended up stressing about it a little too much. When I brought this up to Juliet he told me that I may need to find a way to release my stress (he barely said that, actually, but that's how I take our last conversation). So I've resorted to coming back to writing.

It's actually really stupid how dependent I am on my writing. I gave it a break for about a month since I had so much work to focus on and because of that I am actually starting to have physical manifestations of my stress. I find it really funny because I never knew how much it would actually mean in my life.

Writing, admittedly, was not something I ever thought of as a hobby growing up. I always thought it was a chore even if I did find it something I was fairly good at. It was only last year when I figured I had a chance at it. And thanks to my friends, I was able to develop it. I was able to find the art in it and stuff. 

And the this year, because I wasn't in the same class as my friends I became even more dependent on it as I abstained from human interactions. Maybe because it was trauma, maybe it was because it was just more convenient. I don't know. I haven't found out why yet. I ended up journaling and even through journaling and closing myself up from others, I found someone to consider a friend.

Ahh, writing.

Don't take me too seriously. I'm just ranting here.

(no subject)

 I'm actually mad at myself at the moment.

I was thinking about this conversation I had with someone.


She said, "So did your views of me change?"

I was actually really happy then that I said what I said, "No, it just gives reason." And I left a deep moment of silence just for the drama before going on and saying, "So, I guess that's why you're so introverted. Like why I had to open you up a little."

And she just nodded silently wiping the tears away from her eyes.


It may have been the best thing I said. I said it like a real book character. But I should have said something stupid like "Smile," seeing  as she was so upset. And if she asked I'd repeat myself and say that she should smile for thirty seconds. I'd then direct my eyes to my watch and tell her not to stop until I say so. And after 30 seconds I'd tell her to stop and I'd ask her how she felt. And then I'd explain to her that forcing to make yourself smile for thirty seconds actually makes you happy and that if she ever just needed to be happy she should do that.

I swear that that would have been more memorable than that stupid line I said.

I Hate People

I hate people.

I don't exactly hate people and I definitely do not generalize them. The only reason why I say I hate people is because it's so much easier to say it. It's easier to say  hate people than to say I fear rejection and be told everyone does. It's just easier to hate people than to explain that I fear reaction and responsibilities I am given by lots of people. It's easier to say I hate people than to say that I'm currently abstaining from social interaction and have to explain why. And it's just easier to end the conversation and be judged as a loner than to stand up for something people won't understand. And it's just easier to go on without people telling you to open up because it's hard to be alone.

I just hate the explaining because I'm going to have to keep doing it over and over and being proven wrong and wrong again rather than to be pat on the back and understood.

I hate people.