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among the epiphanies
i write this like a journal. that's to say that this is not an essay, unlike many others that i have already published on here.
like all the other times i've been on here, i have lots to think about. for one, if anything, i think i've been rather toxic lately. to this, i like to think that i owe it to myself to feel whatever i feel. it's valid. but i also feel the constant need to never be toxic. i like to think that i quarantine myself whenever this happens just so others don't quite see what happens when it does. but lately, with my access to my private twitter, i have been able to let it all out little by little, but i think that's still quite toxic and people don't need to see that. though, i know that i don't need to censor myself on my own private account, i feel like i still should and that, to an extent, it's invalid for me to feel the way i do.
i guess, in total, i feel generally invalid. I guess that's that.
it's almost hypocritical for me to think that way, honestly. i know everything i feel is, to an extent valid, if not totally so. i feel it. it's normal to feel.
aside from this, i feel like this is something i can't quite recover from. i'm impatient, i want it to be over with faster. i want to get things over with. this slump is gone, i'm not willing to wait for the recovery of all of my relationships. rather, it's not willing, but i'm not patient enough for it. on that, i think i've been driving too forward. everyone's sort of been telling me to slow down, and somehow it seems to difficult to. i feel like i'll burn out because of this, somehow. i also feel like i'll be crashing into something soon. i need to slow down. but i don't know how to. the choice to be made here is to allow myself to do whatever can be qualified as nothing. but what is nothing but the absence of something. an uncomfortable nothingness. the void. the darkness in the corner of the room, creeping in on me at 2 in the morning, watching my every move. the void has not been comfortable as of late. it has not been quite accommodating. or maybe i'm no longer used to it.
it's crazy talk, maybe. i think it is. it was. i used to talk of the void in a deification, making it supernatural and bigger than me. that's how it felt like at the time. now, i don't quite know what it is but i feel like it no longer welcomes me. if that's a thing. but this is crazy talk. this is all to say that i no longer feel attached to my depression, i guess. i think this is what it means. it's something that has been so far, i don't quite know how to deal with it the way i used to. the last time it happened, i just powered through it and let myself feel it rather than having it become a delusion of sorts. it's an old map i could no longer decipher, but by muscle memory, a vague sense of nostalgia, and with great difficulty.
finally, this is all probably because i have been off my anti-psychotics and i'm PMS-ing, and that's a shitty combination, honestly. i don't quite remember what life was like before the adjunct, but i know the reason why i needed it and how shitty my life was at the time. but i'm beyond that, and for that i am grateful. these days, until lately, i doubted that i'm or have been mentally ill but then i look at my mood tracker and realize that i have been through really bad times. things have been looking up-- just got a little rocky in the past week-- and i feel pretty positive about myself now. (until just now) i mean, i haven't been living week-to-week or psych appointment to psych appointment. it's scary now to be living and looking forward to an indefinite period in time, but i feel like i can actually do it.
like all the other times i've been on here, i have lots to think about. for one, if anything, i think i've been rather toxic lately. to this, i like to think that i owe it to myself to feel whatever i feel. it's valid. but i also feel the constant need to never be toxic. i like to think that i quarantine myself whenever this happens just so others don't quite see what happens when it does. but lately, with my access to my private twitter, i have been able to let it all out little by little, but i think that's still quite toxic and people don't need to see that. though, i know that i don't need to censor myself on my own private account, i feel like i still should and that, to an extent, it's invalid for me to feel the way i do.
i guess, in total, i feel generally invalid. I guess that's that.
it's almost hypocritical for me to think that way, honestly. i know everything i feel is, to an extent valid, if not totally so. i feel it. it's normal to feel.
aside from this, i feel like this is something i can't quite recover from. i'm impatient, i want it to be over with faster. i want to get things over with. this slump is gone, i'm not willing to wait for the recovery of all of my relationships. rather, it's not willing, but i'm not patient enough for it. on that, i think i've been driving too forward. everyone's sort of been telling me to slow down, and somehow it seems to difficult to. i feel like i'll burn out because of this, somehow. i also feel like i'll be crashing into something soon. i need to slow down. but i don't know how to. the choice to be made here is to allow myself to do whatever can be qualified as nothing. but what is nothing but the absence of something. an uncomfortable nothingness. the void. the darkness in the corner of the room, creeping in on me at 2 in the morning, watching my every move. the void has not been comfortable as of late. it has not been quite accommodating. or maybe i'm no longer used to it.
it's crazy talk, maybe. i think it is. it was. i used to talk of the void in a deification, making it supernatural and bigger than me. that's how it felt like at the time. now, i don't quite know what it is but i feel like it no longer welcomes me. if that's a thing. but this is crazy talk. this is all to say that i no longer feel attached to my depression, i guess. i think this is what it means. it's something that has been so far, i don't quite know how to deal with it the way i used to. the last time it happened, i just powered through it and let myself feel it rather than having it become a delusion of sorts. it's an old map i could no longer decipher, but by muscle memory, a vague sense of nostalgia, and with great difficulty.
finally, this is all probably because i have been off my anti-psychotics and i'm PMS-ing, and that's a shitty combination, honestly. i don't quite remember what life was like before the adjunct, but i know the reason why i needed it and how shitty my life was at the time. but i'm beyond that, and for that i am grateful. these days, until lately, i doubted that i'm or have been mentally ill but then i look at my mood tracker and realize that i have been through really bad times. things have been looking up-- just got a little rocky in the past week-- and i feel pretty positive about myself now. (until just now) i mean, i haven't been living week-to-week or psych appointment to psych appointment. it's scary now to be living and looking forward to an indefinite period in time, but i feel like i can actually do it.